dreams

Text reads: Stuck in a rut. Background contains a red car stuck in snow at night.

Stuck in a rut

I’m in a bit of a rut.

Not a “depressed” rut (been there). I’m actually pretty good.

My job fulfils me. My family is great. My circle of friends is small but meaningful and that’s how I like it. And NCIS, a show I’ve grown up with and is basically a family friend at this point, just got renewed for Season 20.

In short, I’m happy.

It’s more of a “why aren’t I achieving more with my life?” rut. A “someday I’ll be old and I want to be better than I am today” rut.

I’m often tired.

I’m not reading anywhere near as much as I want to or should. (Related to the tiredness thing.)

I feel like I’m not making progress on Book #2.

Sometimes I think it’d be cool to take up [insert hobby here] but then I don’t get started or follow through.

Or I think about how I wanted to be a cartoonist with a syndicated comic strip when I was a kid and wonder why I stopped drawing altogether.

Rut-a-tut-tut.

I’m sure I’ll get unstuck but right now, I’m just typing it out.

And maybe taking a nap.

Text reads: Closure & exposure. Background contains a person hiding their face with a book.

Closure and exposure

My debut novel is coming out… really bloody soon and I’m getting pretty nervous. Not in a bad way, but nervous nonetheless.

As the release date draws nearer, a question that’s come up a few times is whether or not Black and Blue is autobiographical.

And the answer to that is: yes and no. I took the “write what you know” adage and twisted it into something I hope people will connect with.

As a Chinese Australian kid, I felt a lot of confusion about my cultural identity growing up. I think that’s a pretty common thing for migrant kids — the feeling of being stuck between two cultures and not quite fitting in anywhere — and I revisited those feelings in Black and Blue.

Like my main character, Jade, I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression, which I try to be honest about — though she and I deal with it in different ways. Writing this book was actually one of the ways I tried to deal with it, so there’s a certain finality to seeing it released.

I also didn’t know if I was ever going to write another book — and to be fair, I still don’t, but I intend to — so I kind of wanted an excuse to pay tribute to some of the things that spark joy in my life. Which is why Jade is into Star Trek and Bon Jovi. But she hates coffee whereas I’m quite fond of a good mocha and will still drink a bad one. 😉

Another character in the book, Alex, has my aversion to germs and is something of a hand sanitiser enthusiast. Which has been me since long before COVID… I think I’ve been gunning for a hand sanitiser sponsorship for at least 10 years (no luck yet!).

In summary, I guess you could say Black and Blue is semi-autobiographical, but it is a work of fiction, not my premature memoir. Still, I do feel quite exposed thinking about people reading my book and… peering into my soul? So much so that I was considering never letting this book see the light of day. I mean, you can’t really fail if you never try and no one knows you write. But I also realised I’d never be satisfied with myself if I didn’t at least try.

So here I am — trying, potentially failing, but being okay. More or less. 🙂

Text reads: 12 months of whatever this is... and counting. Background contains fingers typing on laptop keyboard.

12 months of whatever this is… and counting

I started this blog about a year ago, not really knowing what it was trying to be… and I’m pretty sure I’m still just talking crap most of the time. I don’t follow any of the “rules” of blogging, like maintaining a consistent schedule or focusing on a niche (unless I’m the niche, haha). But I’m enjoying what I’m doing so I’ll continue. Lucky you, dear reader. 😛

We’re also coming to the midway point of the calendar year, so I thought I’d preview/tease the second half.

For the past few years, people have asked me burning questions like, “How’s your writing going?” and “When can I read your book?” and I can now finally say the answer to the latter is…

Well, actually, I don’t have a release date yet. We’re thinking a few weeks before Christmas — I’ll update y’all in due course. I’ve decided to go with independent publishing for reasons I’ll talk about another time, but I’m very comfortable with my decision.

But there’s still a lot to think about. Like marketing. Different formats. Who to thank in the acknowledgements. The idea of talking about myself while suppressing the desire to faint. Getting a new Mental Health Care Plan from my doctor so I can cry to a psychologist about what an imposter I am for thinking I can write and publish a book.

Just kidding. Mostly.

It’s all a bit nerve-racking but also super exciting. Hopefully some of the people who have asked about my book go on to actually buy the book. No one owes me anything, of course. But I would very much appreciate it. 😉

Text reads: Episode 2021: A new hope. Background contains a hand reaching, palm up, towards the ocean.

Episode 2021: A new hope

I don’t really do New Year’s Resolutions. Mostly because I know myself.

2021 feels like an even weirder year to be making big plans — a lot of the things that made 2020 terrible for so many people around the world haven’t gone away just because we’ve ticked over into a new calendar year.

So in lieu of any New Year’s Resolutions, I thought I’d share a couple of my dreams for 2021.

First up is something I’ve joked about to a few people, except that I’m kind of not joking at all, because it would be awesome. I want a transporter so I can beam across state and international borders to see family and friends.

According to Star Trek legend, this technology is only in its infancy in the 22nd century. But we managed to skip the Eugenics Wars of the 1990s in our universe, so we’re already in a different timeline, maybe one in which a transporter comes to fruition sooner? Transporter technology would also minimise contact with potential sources of infection when travelling between places.

I’ve been watching quite a bit of Star Trek in iso, can you tell? 😉 (I’ve also watched Star Wars, hence the blog title. I like both. Don’t make me choose.)

For a somewhat more realistic version of this dream, I’d love to be able to travel safely out of Western Australia again and not worry about whether or not I’ll be allowed back home. I’m anxious (as always), but I’ve got a collection of reusable face masks and excellent hand hygiene, if I do say so myself. International travel is not looking likely for the average Joe, but I’m hopeful of seeing my loved ones in the eastern states before too long.

Secondly… I want to get my debut novel out into the world.

For reasons that I’ll probably cover in a future blog post, I’m leaning towards indie publishing, despite its challenges. So the “getting it out” part is in my hands. Even if I decided to go down the traditional route, querying agents and publishers is in my hands too… I just haven’t done it.

There’s a movie called Little City that I may or may not (read: definitely) watched because of Jon Bon Jovi. In it, Penelope Ann Miller’s character says something that unfortunately sums me up pretty well:

“At least I have potential. It’s a wonderful thing, potential. Because as long as I don’t do anything, I’ll still have it.”

Folks, I’m bursting with ‘potential’… Maybe this is the year I finally leave the comforting familiarity of my desert planet and learn the ways of the Force, metaphorically speaking.

Or maybe I’ll just pledge to go to the gym every day… starting next month.

What I do know is that I’m very lucky to have kept my job during the pandemic, to have access to mental health treatment, and to live in a place that has no community transmission (touch wood). While others are just trying to survive, I have the luxury of dreaming big and doing things to make those dreams happen. If I want them badly enough.