anxiety

Text reads: On the road again. Background contains someone wheeling a trolley bag.

On the road again

I was a bit quiet beforehand because I didn’t want to jinx it, but earlier this month I travelled out of WA for the first time in two-and-a-half years and returned without incident. 😀

I got to catch up with family and friends in Sydney and despite it raining most of the time I was there, it was great.

Oh, and my hotel came with a lightsaber! Okay, it was a torch/flashlight, but everything vaguely cylindrical is a lightsaber if you put your mind to it. Here’s a demo — I’m not very active on TikTok, so this will probably remain my most viewed TikTok video for the foreseeable future. 😛

@leeannkhoh

Found a torch/flashlight/lightsaber in my hotel room… 🔦😄 #StarWars #StarWarsFan #GeekingOut #Lightsaber #Jedi #Nerdtok

♬ original sound – Lee-Ann Khoh
Video “when you find a torch in your hotel room…” shows Lee-Ann taking a torch mounted in the closet of her room. She swings it around in both hands, making lightsaber noises under her breath before returning it to its original position and laughing.

I’m pretty anxious at the best of times and was nervous before I left, but surprisingly, I wasn’t really stressed during the trip. Between booking it and actually going, most travel restrictions were lifted so I guess I didn’t have to worry about accidentally doing something wrong.

I also wore a mask wherever I went, even though I didn’t have to. The Airinum Lite Air masks I opted for in Sydney are definitely on the pricier side, but my glasses didn’t fog up once while I was away, so that’s always a plus. And Airinum recently sent me a referral link, so you can use it if you want to check them out: Get 25% off Airinum masks

But the point of this post wasn’t to advertise masks. It was to muse about how I’ve dipped my toe back in the travel waters and… it went well! I came, I saw, I didn’t get COVID (yet). My passport expired during the pandemic and I’m not planning any around-the-world vacations at this point in time. But interstate trips might be on the cards again.

Truth be told, I actually hate travelling (the getting there part, yuck)… but I do like having travelled. 🙂

Text reads: Unplugged-ish. Background contains someone using a smartphone.

Unplugged-ish

No, it’s not the latest Kenya Barris show. (Although I recently discovered Black-ish, Mixed-ish, and Grown-ish on Disney+ and I’m really digging them.)

It’s about my complicated relationship with social media and what I’m trying to do about it.

On one hand, social media was how I interacted and connected with people in the absence of… well, properly developed social skills.

It’s also how I dipped my toe into the professional world — my first job after graduating was at a social media agency and I definitely learnt lessons there that I’ve taken with me throughout my career.

But it’s a massive time-suck. An easy way to mindlessly procrastinate. And an easy way to worsen one’s mental health.

I’ve alluded to my history of anxiety and depression here before, and plenty of social media platforms are not so great for that. Or they’re great for a while and then they’re reeeally not.

Recently, I decided to change the way I use Facebook. I culled my friends list down to family and what I’m calling my “close contacts” (a bit of COVID-inspired vernacular). I also unfollowed some pages that seem to disproportionately attract… a certain type of commenter.

And then I thought, screw all this crap — and uninstalled the Facebook app from my phone. It’s only been a few days but I feel better already.

A couple of days later, I decided to uninstall Twitter too.

It’s not a proper social media detox. It’s not even a Meta detox because I’ve still got a bunch of their other apps, including Instagram, which is still fun for me.

I also haven’t deactivated my accounts so I can always log in on a browser. I just figure there’s no reason why I need them at my fingertips constantly. Even if I find myself in a situation where live-tweeting might actually be beneficial/interesting to the world, I probably wouldn’t do it anyway.

So to cut a long story short, I deleted the Facebook and Twitter apps and I think it’ll be a positive move. Now to replace the mindless doomscrolling habit with something productive… like that second book maybe…

Text reads: All the changing seasons of my life. Background contains a row of different coloured daffodils.

All the changing seasons of my life

A lot has happened since my last blog post, including Western Australia’s hard border coming down so maybe I’ll come sign your copies of my book soon. 😉 But I’ve also been doing plenty of thinking. About how the world has changed over the past couple of years. And how I’ve changed.

Recently, I was chatting to a friend in America who asked me what my current passions were.

“That’s a good question actually,” I said.

Before the pandemic, going out for me usually involved live music. (That part is one of the more autobiographical aspects of Black and Blue.) But the thing about live music is that it often takes place at a venue where alcoholic drinks are flowing and people have no concept of personal space.

So I’ve always had to weigh up on a case-by-case basis whether I want to see the band more than I loathe the unwanted touching and germy bathrooms. Now I also consider the risk of spreading illnesses to someone who might not be as healthy and okay as I am.

But as my American pal and I talked about the state of the world, the loss of two years, work-related stress, not being able to see friends and family or go to events… we realised that one of the saddest parts for us might be seeing the worst in people we used to like and respect. The casual ableism… the conspiracy theories and spreading of misinformation… comparing their self-inflicted plight to the Holocaust… etc.

I brought this up with another dear friend of mine, who I’ve known since we were six years old.

“Not gonna lie,” they said, “As a queer, disabled person, I’m no longer surprised when someone I liked turns out to be garbage.”

Word.

Anyway, all that reflection also got me thinking about my 15-year love-hate relationship with Facebook, which has gradually become a Rolodex spanning my entire existence on this planet. At this point in my life, I’d rather keep things focused on family and friends I have an actual emotional connection with. (And managing Facebook pages, which is the main reason I can’t just delete/deactivate my profile).

So far I’ve culled about 200 people from my friends list and I’m sure everyone will survive without an annual meaningless birthday message from me.

Meanwhile, there are plenty of other social media platforms and apps that anyone can use to keep in touch or keep tabs on me… some of which are owned by Facebook’s parent company, so those zuckers still have their claws in me regardless. 😛

PS. If you’re up for 10 minutes of awesomeness, here’s the music video for “Estranged” by Guns N’ Roses, which happens to be the song I lifted this blog title from.

Estranged – Guns N’ Roses
Text reads: Something something something festive. Background contains glowing baubles, including one decorated with a ribbon.

Something something something festive

Obligatory festive season post coming up, just as mask mandates are reintroduced in Western Australia.

I could say “Merry Christmas” but obviously not everyone celebrates it, myself included. (I don’t care if you say Merry Christmas to me though. Neither does any other non-Christmas celebrator I’ve ever met.)

“Happy Holidays” is a nice catch-all, but not everyone gets holidays or has a happy time during them.

“Season’s greetings” seems to cover it all but feels unnecessarily formal for most occasions.

So I’m going with “Live long and prosper” and “May the Force be with you” – because it is possible to love both Star Trek and Star Wars, and you totally should. 😉

Anyway, it’s been a pretty significant year for me. I published my first novel in November, and while I prefer not to be the centre of attention as a person, I’m proud of that damn book. Hopefully there’s more to come. 🙂

(You can give Black and Blue all the attention in the world, by the way. It is a book – an inanimate object – and therefore does not experience awkwardness or embarrassment.)

Looking towards 2022, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit anxious about the not-too-distant future. I’ll be eligible for my third COVID shot shortly before WA’s borders are set to reopen, but it’s not really my own health I’m worried about. (I’ll get that third jab as soon as I can though, that’s how I roll.)

Meanwhile, I’m still looking for a hand sanitiser sponsorship in the New Year. I don’t drink alcohol, but I’ve been rubbing it on my hands since long before COVID… so come at me, hand sanitiser manufacturers! Yeah, I know it’s extremely unlikely but a girl can dream. 😛

This will probably be my last blog post for 2021 unless something particularly amazing/terrible happens before the end of the year. For now… Live long and prosper and may the Force be with you. And also with you.

Text reads: Closure & exposure. Background contains a person hiding their face with a book.

Closure and exposure

My debut novel is coming out… really bloody soon and I’m getting pretty nervous. Not in a bad way, but nervous nonetheless.

As the release date draws nearer, a question that’s come up a few times is whether or not Black and Blue is autobiographical.

And the answer to that is: yes and no. I took the “write what you know” adage and twisted it into something I hope people will connect with.

As a Chinese Australian kid, I felt a lot of confusion about my cultural identity growing up. I think that’s a pretty common thing for migrant kids — the feeling of being stuck between two cultures and not quite fitting in anywhere — and I revisited those feelings in Black and Blue.

Like my main character, Jade, I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression, which I try to be honest about — though she and I deal with it in different ways. Writing this book was actually one of the ways I tried to deal with it, so there’s a certain finality to seeing it released.

I also didn’t know if I was ever going to write another book — and to be fair, I still don’t, but I intend to — so I kind of wanted an excuse to pay tribute to some of the things that spark joy in my life. Which is why Jade is into Star Trek and Bon Jovi. But she hates coffee whereas I’m quite fond of a good mocha and will still drink a bad one. 😉

Another character in the book, Alex, has my aversion to germs and is something of a hand sanitiser enthusiast. Which has been me since long before COVID… I think I’ve been gunning for a hand sanitiser sponsorship for at least 10 years (no luck yet!).

In summary, I guess you could say Black and Blue is semi-autobiographical, but it is a work of fiction, not my premature memoir. Still, I do feel quite exposed thinking about people reading my book and… peering into my soul? So much so that I was considering never letting this book see the light of day. I mean, you can’t really fail if you never try and no one knows you write. But I also realised I’d never be satisfied with myself if I didn’t at least try.

So here I am — trying, potentially failing, but being okay. More or less. 🙂